Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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