I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize