In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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