dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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