man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
