Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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