so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
