Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
