I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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