I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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