Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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