I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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