My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
