Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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