3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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