just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
