i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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