remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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