Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
