I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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