I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
it glows. i had to have it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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