shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
