I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You did what with his pubic hair?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize