went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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