the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
