Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
