I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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