I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize