i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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