Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize