Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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