There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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