If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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