Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
