Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
