well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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