There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
