I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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