im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
