i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
