If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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