Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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