You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
