You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
