does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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