I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
