I love black thongs
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
