His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you inspire me to be a worse person
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
