I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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