Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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