Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
