I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
a search helicopter?!
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
