Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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