So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i dont even know how to be here
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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