I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
