does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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