we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
