The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
