I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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