I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
