I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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