I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
