apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You need Xanax blowdarts
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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