I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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