I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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