I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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