got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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