Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Randomize
