your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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