This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
